Louise Hay

 Louise Hay is a metaphysical teacher and best-selling author of You Can Heal Your Life, The Power Is Within You and Meditations to Heal Your Life.

Since beginning her career as a Science of Mind minister in 1981, she has assisted hundreds of thousands of people in discovering and using their full potential for personal growth and self-healing. Louise's work has been translated into twenty-three different languages in thirty countries around the world.

For a free catalog of books, audios, videos, and other products by Louise Hay and other Hay House authors,
please call (800) 654-5126. MESSAGE FROM LOUISE HAY: Phone: 1-619-431-8641

Dear Louise Column

Dear Louise

I have been doing affirmations and treatments for some time. I think that
I've worked my way down to some very "core" black-and-white conflicts that
don't seem to want to resolve themselves over time. For example, why do I
work out five times a week then devour everything in sight for several weeks?
Why am I crazy in love with my partner of 23 years, yet positively yearn to
be alone? Why do I have so much anonymous sex, yet wish like anything that I
could be celibate? Why do I lay around and just ride my bike for days, then
work like a madman to catch up on my freelance writing assignments?

I've treated for celibacy, eating healthily, working productively, etc., but
I invariably swing away from these to the "other side" of promiscuity, binge
eating, and procrastination. I'm 12 years sober, and everybody thinks that I
have my life so together, yet I feel terribly out of control. I'm committed
to following your suggestions.

P.S., Denver, CO

Dear P.S.,

I recognize a strong and dominant pattern of self-sabotage. Its appears that
no matter what area of life you seem to be working on, you always find a way
to undermine yourself and thwart your progress. Maybe you could ask yourself,
"Am I addicted to conflict and struggle?" What did your parents tell you
about yourself as a child?

Perhaps the real core belief you need to change is "I'm not good enough" and
"I don't deserve." While we are all dealing with these limiting beliefs, some
of us have a stronger and more pervading presence of them in our lives. Life
doesn't have to be hard. You don't have to suffer.
Go within, quite your mind, and open your heart. Allow the love that is deep
within you to permeate your entire being and do its healing work on
transforming your consciousness. Love is the ultimate healer. Love yourself
just as you are, with all your seeming conflicts and inner turmoil. Do not
withhold love from yourself, and don't use your confusion to further judge
and criticize yourself. Work with a practitioner/therapist to release the old


Dear Louise

This is kind of a strange problem. I have been divorced for seven years and,
frankly, it was a terrible marriage. My ex-wife was unfaithful to me with
friends, enemies, bums, drug addicts, and even her friends' husbands. You
would think that I would be glad to be rid of her. But I still obsess about
her. She was my childhood sweetheart and the mother of my four children. How
can I let go and move on? Help!

J.C., Chicago, IL

Dear J.C.,

When we have a long history with someone, it is often a little more
challenging to release that person from our lives. I would imagine that you
may not have had any healthy role models as far as relationships are
concerned. Forgiveness of your parents is the first order. They were doing
the best they could, considering their backgrounds. It is obvious that you
allowed yourself to remain in a very unhealthy and demeaning relationship. On
some level, you probably believe that you don't deserve any better and that
you somehow need this woman in your life, especially since you were childhood
sweethearts. But in fact, you do not need this woman, nor do you have her, so
it is now safe to let her go, and time to let her go.

You deserve to have healthy, supportive and loving relationships, and you
need to begin to believe this. In order to let go, it is very important to go
within and heal the deep hurt and pain that you feel as a result of this
marriage. You need to process and release the anger you feel towards her and
yourself. Immediately begin to give yourself large doses of self-love and
forgiveness. Work on the most important relationship you haveóthe one with
yourself. Nurture, support, and care for yourself, and you will begin to
attract people into your life who do the same for you. When you finally love
and respect yourself, you will not allow others to mistreat you, nor will you
tolerate any kind of abuse. In time, if you are sincere, you will completely
forgive your ex-wife and will eventually begin to see the positive lessons
this experience has taught you.


Dear Louise

I have an ethical dilemma. I have two friends (a male and a female) who are
up for a promotion at work. This new job requires the applicant to have a
four-year college degree. Although both of my friends' rÈsumÈs state that
they have graduated, I happen to know that this isn't actually the case and
that my male friend only completed one year at a junior college. I'm so
afraid that he will be the one to get the job and that my other friend will
lose out.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep my mouth shut and let the Universe
take care of things? Should I tell my male friend that I think he's wrong to
pursue this job? Is it any of my business? I don't know.

F. F., Vancouver, B.C.

Dear F.F.,

We all spend so much time observing what other people are doing and wanting to set things "right." However, each of us is under the law of our own
consciousness and will be treated accordingly. Therefore, we do not need to
interfere in things that are none of our business. Unless there is danger to
other people involved, I do not believe in meddling. Every time I have done
that it has always backfired on me.

Unless this promotion interferes with your own position, I would leave it
alone. Don't make this your issue. Use the affirmation: THE PERSON WHO IS
PERFECT FOR THIS JOB RECEIVES THE PROMOTION. Then watch how the Universe decides to handle the situation. Visualize harmony and professionalism in the office, with each person doing their work in an atmosphere of respect and
joy. Know that you are all safe and protected.

Dear Louise,

In your book You Can Heal Your Life, you talk about the concept of "choosing our parents." I don't understand this at all. Why would souls coming into this world choose to be born virtually starving or under immediate threat of
extermination by others?

How could an unborn soul actually reflect and debate with itself on whether, for example, it will become black, yellow, white, or whatever? It seems that it hasn't occurred to you that the majority of "unborn yet thinking souls" would choose, without question, to have a destiny of material ease, and also one in which they were in full control! I think there is a flaw in your New Age thinking. I think it should now be clear that you're bound in honesty to abandon the suppositions you wrote about as if they are fact. Any response?

P.H., Sydney, Australia

Dear P.H.,

Everyone who first encounters the concept that "we choose our parents" goes
bananas. We repudiate the idea with great resistance."What rubbish! I would
never choose to have these parents, etc. etc." I had the same reaction
myself. Yet in time, as you continue on your pathway, you may come to
understand the larger picture.

I believe that just as we choose our parents, our parents also choose their
children. We all have much to learn from each other. What did you learn from
your parents, and how can you use this to create a life of emotional joy and
fulfillment? Sometimes what we learn from our parents is how not to behave.
Sometimes a parent will have a gay child, and then the parent's lesson is to
have compassion and unconditional love, no matter what the neighbors say.

I personally have come to see Life here on Earth as a school. We come here
to learn many, many lessons, so each lifetime is different. We need to
understand every part of life. This increases our compassion. Also, if we
are prejudiced or mean to certain groups, then I believe that we will
probably come back as one of those groups so that we can understand what it
feels like.

Resistance is merely the first step to understanding. Ask your Higher Self
to broaden your awareness. Allow your inner guidance to lead you to more
books that will increase your knowledge and understanding. Continue to
study. There is so much more to Life than we can ever comprehend, for Life is
Infinite and always evolving. I know you will enjoy your pathway, and thank
you for interacting with me.

Dear Louise,

I am constantly sabotaging my efforts to lose weight. I have a lot to lose,
but when I start to see that it's happening for me, I get scared that I won't
know how to act as a thin person because I've been overweight for so long.
I'm aware that I do this, but I don't know how to stop.

I do the same thing with my job. I want to write a novel but never seem to
finish it. I throw myself into jobs with long hours and low wages and stay
with them long past the point that I should quit, leaving myself burned out,
with no desire to write. I would appreciate your advice and an affirmation to
use daily. Thank you.

B.K., Johnstown, PA

Dear B. K.,

When we have had a childhood of inner turmoil and crises, when as a child
our needs have not been met, then we grow up into adults who are still
governed by our old fears. In my childhood, there was abandonment, neglect,
and abuse. A situation like this creates a "wounded inner child" that we
carry with us all our lives.

However, these are only thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. Do not
project into the future. Stay in the present moment. When you only have one
moment to deal with, it becomes easy. In this moment, love who you are as you
are. Stop thinking about weight. Think about love. Pour love into your body.
Caress your body with love. Begin only with your hands and face at first. Let
your body slowly begin to get used to feeling loved rather than hated. On a
daily basis, talk to your inner child with love. Tell this child how
precious it is. Use the affirmation: IN THIS MOMENT I AM PERFECT, WHOLE, COMPLETE, AND LOVED. Change your inner thinking, moment by moment. If each day you can love yourself just a tiny bit more, in a few months you will be a different person, with a different life.


Dear Louise,

I am a 30-year-old male inmate serving time in a state prison. Most of my
crimes (theft, burglary, forgery) have stemmed from drug use, which I started
when I was 14. Every time I come to prison, I try to change what I know is
wrong, but somehow I fail to make much headway. It's just like everything
else that I've done but fail to follow through on. It's as though I don't
have the strength of character to change. I've studied Buddhism, some
mysticism, and yoga, and I believe in meditation, but I feel that maybe I
don't know the proper techniques.

I also feel very inadequate around others, lacking the skills to socialize
well. Maybe this is delusional on my part, but I have a hard time accepting
the fact that I am well liked or acceptable in any way. I'm going to be
entering a halfway house soon that is only supposed to have a 2 percent
success rate and I'd like to make as much progress as I can before then. But
how do I change? How do I grow up? Can you help me?

K. M., Draper, UT

Dear K. M.,

There is a wonderful book out, written for everyone, but specifically for
people in prison, called Houses of Healing: A Prisoner's Guide to Inner Power
and Freedom, by Robin Casarjian. Robin has been teaching Emotional
Awareness/Emotional Healing workshops in prisons in the Northeast. Your
prison library may have one. If not, contact the Lionheart Foundation, Box
194, Back Bay, Boston MA 02117, and they will send you one. Once you start
reading this book, you won't want to stop. It can be a strong, positive step
for you in understanding and healing yourself.

Drug and alcohol abuse almost always stems from child abuse. Because of
this, those childhood situations and events became beliefs about yourself.
Your inner child needs healing, and this will come about as you begin to
change your thinking. The people who hurt us when we were children were also
hurt when they were children. The cycle of abuse continues until we take
conscious steps to heal ourselves. Get into a therapy group. Therapy is
simply about thinking differently and opening your heart to love. Stop
wondering if others like you and begin liking yourself, not for your past
behavior, but for the beautiful being that still resides deep within you.
You are on the right pathway, so keep searching. Affirm: I AM WILLING TO

Dear Louise,

After the bombings in Oklahoma, Saudi Arabia, the possible bombing of TWA flight 800, and the information I heard that three buildings in Phoenix were supposed to be bombed recently by fanatics, I can't help but be enraged by what I hear on the news. It scares me that people in our world can be so violent and malicious.

What do you think is going to happen if this trend continues? Are you fearful for our country? I've never read your opinions on this subject, and I'm interested in what you have to say.

R.L., Kingman, AZ

Dear R.L.,

When people are raised in hatred, then terrorism seems natural to them. It is the ultimate act of blame. Blame is always a powerless act. It comes from believing that you have no control or responsibility over your circumstances. Those of us on the so-called path of enlightenment know that we are co-creators of our circumstances. Therefore, on some level, what is out there is a reflection of what we have within us. In order to heal the world, we need to heal the hatred in our own hearts. The best thing we can do is to work diligently to spread and share love throughout the world. As we do this, we must realize that all that is unloving will come to the surface to be healed. We must look at and see the fear, hatred, racism, abuse, terrorism, and so on, in order to bring a new awareness to it. We cannot heal what we cannot or will not see.

We can see this as a frightening time, a time to let our own anger and rage emerge, or we can see these problems as opportunities to create healing. How you choose to use your mind is up to you. You can add to the problem or you can help heal it. When I hear of terrorist attacks or any crises in the world, I immediately surround the whole situation with white light. I send love and healing energy to everyone connected with it, including whomever may have done the damage. Rage and fear do not heal anything. Hatred begets hatred. An eye-for-an-eye philosophy makes everyone blind.

Let us all know and affirm: Things aren't getting worse; They are getting healed!

Dear Louise,

My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have a pretty good marriage, but it's funny - it seems that the very quality that I admire about him is what drives me crazy. You see, he is quiet and reserved, which I like overall because I tend to be the opposite, but he is also usually anti-social in groups, barely responding to questions by others or making conversation. Also, he is completely resistant to attending any type of social engagement with me. For example, I can't get him to go to company parties, even when I express to him that I would like his support, and that it would be a respectful and loving thing to do.

Should I just grit my teeth and deal with this part of his personality for the rest of my life, or can you think of some way in which I could gently prod him out of his shell?

T.F., Oceanside, CA

Dear T.F.,

Let's see your husband as perfect, whole, and complete as he is. You are also perfect, whole, and complete as you are. You both have a few different likes and dislikes. We create problems when we try to change the other person. The only person we can ever change is ourselves. So, instead of suffering and gritting your teeth, you could make peace with yourself, even if your husband does not care for social affairs. Most spouses hate company parties. If you enjoy being a social butterfly then you go. You can tell him all about it when you come home.

When your husband understands that you do not judge him, then he will relax. Let there be no threat to your marriage over these differences. In time he may change and enjoy social encounters more, or you may change and enjoy being quiet more. Affirm: I have a loving, harmonious relationship with my husband. All is well.

Dear Louise,

I am a man in my 50s who has been in an on-again, off-again relationship with the same woman for 12 years. I really want to love her and be with her, but it seems that as soon as I get very close (or she does), I back away and cause some problem that creates a rift in our relationship.

She thinks that the problem stems from my childhood, but I don't know. My brother and I were put in an orphanage by our mother when I was 5, and I was there until I was 11, although my mother did take my brother out a few years after he was put in. My girlfriend thinks that I'm too frightened to get too close to her for fear that she will take her love away. I'm not sure if this is an accurate assessment of the situation or not, but whatever the case, do you have any advice on how I can get over my tendency to always back away?

A. R., Toronto, Canada

Dear A.R.,

All problems stem from childhood. Children who are sent to orphanages usually develop a lifelong fear of abandonment. It is very hard to release these deep-seated inner fears without going to therapy or doing some sort of deep inner work. There is still a part of you that is terrified that if you love someone, you will be abandoned once again, and your inner child does not know how he could handle that.

If you feel that you cannot go to therapy, then I would suggest that you do a series of meditations for your inner child. Talk to your inner child, call him by name, hold him in your arms, tell him you will always love him and be there for him, and promise him that you will never abandon him. Ask him what he needs to be happy. You may need to have many of these conversations in meditation until your inner child feels safe and loved. It is also vital that you consciously forgive your mother, or you will never be free. When you have accomplished this, then you will be free to love.

Also, be very clear that your very patient girlfriend is not your mother. Affirm: I heal the past, and I am free to love!

Dear Louise,

I have a younger sister (mid-30s) who has always been very competitive with me - I am a 40-year-old male. When we were younger, I was the good-looking, popular one, and she was short and homely. Now that she has turned into an attractive, very successful woman (more successful financially than I am), I find that every time we are together, she finds excuses to berate me, criticize me, and basically take the devil's advocate position no matter what subject we're discussing. I used to defend myself and stand up to her, which caused even more problems, so a few years ago, I decided to just stop wasting my energy - I now keep my mouth shut no matter how annoying and derisive she is.

However, my wife goes crazy when l act this way. She thinks I ought to stop "acting like a wimp" and stand up to my sister and not let her get away with her neurotic manipulations.

What do you think? Keep quiet and save energy, or get into constant disputes with someone who will never give an inch?

B.W.J., Essex, VT

Dear B.W.J.,

It sounds as if you are in the middle of two women who both think that you're doing the wrong thing. Was your mother also critical of you? Is this a family pattern? No matter what, you deserve better treatment. Why do you have to continue to see this sister. It doesn't seem like this situation is very supportive of you. It is time for you to release the pattern within you that attracts this behavior.

Here is an exercise that I have given to hundreds of people who needed to heal a family situation. Whenever your sister comes into your mind, immediately say, I have a wonderful relationship with everyone in my family, including my sister - Keep repeating this affirmation. Anyone who is faithful in doing this affirmation will usually heal a family disruption within six months. It is amazing how the other family members change when you keep declaring the truth about yourself.

Another thing you could do the next time you are in a situation with your sister is take along a tape recorder. You can keep silent while you just tape the conversations. Play back the tape later, and she will probably be very surprised to hear how she sounds. People seldom listen to themselves.

Dear Louise,

I have been fighting severe depression since my marriage broke up five years ago. I did have a loving relationship with my husband for nearly 11 years, but he abused drugs and alcohol, was a compulsive spender, drove us into bankruptcy, and had an affair with a close friend. I've had two relationships since then, both of which turned out very badly. My last relationship nearly drove me to suicide.

I'm sure my basic problem is my relationship with God, which I thought was pretty good until my world fell apart. Within three months of the break-up, I lost everything: my husband, my home, my credit rating, my career, and my emotional health. I've been a student of metaphysics for years, so my first thought was: How can this be happening to me? I pray; I meditate; I affirm; I tithe; I'm a kind and loving person.

I want so much to express and receive love, to enjoy the wonders that life has to offer, and to feel close to God. But it's very frustrating to see my friends enjoying all the things that I would love to enjoy: loving mates, sexual relations, family, home, prosperity, and purpose to their lives. I feel like everyone around me has discovered the secret to life, while I'm still stumbling and struggling. When I look back, it seems that everything and everyone I've ever loved has been taken from me.

When I read these words, I cringe because I sound like such a whiner and a victim, but it's just that the hopelessness and despair are so overwhelming. Can you help me?

J.N., San Diego, CA

Dear J.N.,

The reason you are in so much despair is that you are missing the whole point of your problem. No wonder it all seems so helpless. You have been marinated in self-pity for years. Dry your tears and let's go to work. When we are children, we learn what love is like by what we experience in our home. Was love expressed in your home as soft and tender? Was it yelling and screaming and doors slamming? Was one of your parents an alcoholic? Did your parents adore each other? Were
they faithful, or was there infidelity? We learn how to have relationships by watching our parents. When we grow up, we tend to re-create these same relationships. It sounds to me like you are re-creating either your father or your mother in all your relationships. Probably your bosses, too.You will continue to do this until you release this pattern within you.

You need to work on forgiving your parents and releasing them. You will do this best in some sort of therapy group. Look for something through your church, or read the local New Age papers. In San Diego you have the Light Connection. In fact, the August issue had an article on Paul and Lynn Cartwright, who hold Relationship Trainings. If you are serious about changing your pattern, Life
will bring you the next step. Take it! Stay away from relationships for a bit, and learn to love yourself. When you love who you are, then you will attract someone who can love you. Affirm: I forgive my parents, and I am free to love myself.

Dear Louise,

I am a 24-year-old female who has been living with my boyfriend for almost four years. I have wanted to marry him for almost three years now, and he has always resisted. I feel that our relationship is very loving and supportive, and our biggest problem is the marriage question. He has told me that several times he has almost asked me to marry him, but then he changes his mind.

We try to be honest about the problems that this disagreement brings about. He says that he loves me, but he just can't bring himself to take that final step. I am beginning to feel that anyone who takes this long to fully commit to me is not going to give me the kind of love that I am looking for or may have just too many problems of his own to start a new life with somebody else. What advice do you have?

J.M., Chicago, IL

Dear J.M.,

As you have been living with this man, you must find him to be a person you can relate to and enjoy. You need to honestly ask yourself if you can truly accept this person just as he is without trying to change him, and that includes his decision about marriage. If, upon reflection and introspection, you find that what you really want is a marriage partner, then you need to leave the relationship and try to attain the fulfillment of your desires.

Above all, do not ruin the day-to-day loving relationship you have now by insisting that he marry you. People can only change themselves. In the course of deciding what you really want, and living peacefully with that decision, others around you will behave differently toward you. You become a less controlling and more loving person.


Louise Hay is a metaphysical teacher and best-selling author of You Can Heal Your Life, The Power Is Within You and Meditations to Heal Your Life.

If you would like Louise Hay to answer your letter in this publication, address your letter to: Dear Louise Column c/o Hay House Inc., PO Box 5100, Carlsbad,CA 92018-5100.


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